I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Remember folks 😂
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/