I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.