Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.