My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
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LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.