Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Sharon I have some bad news
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.