the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
You Might Also Like
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.