[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
April 1st is the class clown of days.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.