If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
You Might Also Like
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Classic German Shepherd 😂
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.