Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
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Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview