Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?