馃馃槀馃槀
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So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I get it cicadas I鈥檓 ready to scream for six weeks too
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Monday
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine鈥檚 Day, you鈥檒l be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: you鈥檙e gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn鈥檛-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don鈥檛 give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you鈥檙e making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you鈥檙e welcome
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
He just like my cat fr
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn鈥檛. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[shakes fist at other fist]