WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Wait a minute…
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*