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“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.