museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
You Might Also Like
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.