And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.