showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Hell yeah 👍
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Print is alive and well!!!
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi