“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
You Might Also Like
So inspired right now.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
grotesque if literal: baby food
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)