Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
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”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Have kids, they said
Extremely relatable.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
my fav colour is also hitler
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us