INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Donating blood today to make room for more food
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
For the baby who has everything
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom