Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
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Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Isn’t
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Why I divorced her.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.