Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
thanksgiving in nutshell
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job