Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
stand with me against insufficient seating
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
This is my favorite one of these!
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
What
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000