It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
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Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢