Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
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My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Lol.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.