Body by Oreos
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
the simulation is moving too fast
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here