I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
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[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Welcome
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas