“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My teenage children choosing violence
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What