calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
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Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
2 years later
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane