[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells