“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Meow?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
58.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done