HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Rambo Rambow
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.