Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation