I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
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Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!