The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI