when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho