If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
You Might Also Like
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
No, YOUR illiterate.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?