“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
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A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Baller is short for ballerina
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.