Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.