[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
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I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.