My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
You Might Also Like
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”