If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
You Might Also Like
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Wait a second…
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
all that yoga finally paid off
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.