Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
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Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Plant care tips
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke