Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
plant them where lol
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.