the simulation is moving too fast
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I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child