Room with a view.
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I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.