I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’