6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
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Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.