Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
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My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Them: Just act casual
Me:
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
You are what you delete.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*