Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
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The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!