I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
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My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My nickname in high school was “who?”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?